I have a bunch of posts in "draft" mode. One of those is a long and involved examination of the pros and cons of homeschooling (doesn't that sound thrilling??). It will likely take me a while to finish it. As I was outlining that post, however, one related "issue" came to mind, and since it didn't deal directly with pros/cons, I decided to write about it separately.
*******
When people find out we homeschool, their reactions run the gamut, but by far the most common response I hear is, "I just don't have the patience for that!"
I know it's probably just the easiest thing for people to say (kind of like the ubiquitous, "you've really got your hands full" comment), and how sincerely they mean it may be questionable, but it's a response that always irks me.
Partially, that's because I'm never sure quite how to respond.
Do they want me to argue with them? "Oh no! You're such a patient mom, you would be the best homeschooling parent ever!"
Or agree with them? "You're right, you totally aren't cut out for this."
Is it meant as a complement? Should I be thanking them for thinking so highly of me? Or should I jump in to admit the truth?
Because the truth is, I (and probably most other homeschool parents) am not patient. "Patience" is much more likely to fall on the bottom of my list of virtues than the top.
I frequently wonder if one of the reasons Heavenly Father wanted me to homeschool was so I could have ample opportunity to develop patience. You know, the whole "make weak things become strong unto them" thing?
******
Another problem I have with this particular phrase is that it often leaves me wondering: "If you, the parent, the one who knows and loves your child more than anyone, doesn't have the patience to teach him, what makes you expect a teacher, who likely has 25+ other students in his or her class, is going to have patience with your kid?"
Additionally, sometimes parents make these comments with their children standing near them, and I cringe imagining what message the child is internalizing.
******
Please don't get me wrong. I'm not trying to suggest that homeschooling is right for everyone, or even that everyone would be successful if they tried. There are plenty of good reasons not to homeschool (I'll cover some of them in the post I mentioned earlier). Patience is important, but it's a skill that can be learned and honed, not an innate characteristic bestowed on a few chosen ones.
And that, my friends, is enough ranting for one night.
6 comments:
First, yes, a comment about not having enough patience in front of a child is cringe-inducing.
Second, I like the "it takes a village" model. Yes, Kevin and I know Lizzie better and love her more than anyone else does. But when she's sick, we know to take her to the doctor because that doctor, through years of study and practice, knows more about treating childhood illnesses than we do. If Lizzie wants to learn ballet, or French, or trombone, I will find teachers for her because I do not know how to do those things (see my C grade in ballet in college!). While the doctor and teachers might not care as much about Lizzie as I do, they all have valuable skills in diverse areas that I do not. I don't see it as a personal failing of mine that I am not the leading expert in all things. Of course the entire burden is not on the doctor/teacher; as her parent I will still work to ensure that Lizzie takes her medicine and practices her French trombone ballet routine.
Finally, I agree with you about the self-depreciating remarks. I frequently imagine just agreeing with the person to see how they'd respond.
Katie - as always, thank you for your thoughtful comments and insights!
I think the danger of writing a post like this, outside of the larger pros/cons framework, is that it can come across as an, "everybody should homeschool and anyone who doesn't is wrong," rant, which is TOTALLY not my point. As I mentioned, there are lots of good reasons not to homeschool.
My issue is more specific....the idea that a personal shortcoming in the parent (especially one so related to the relationship to the child), is a sufficient reason to brush off the whole possibility.
I may lack the patience to teach my child to clean their room, or ride a bike, or tie their shoes, or act appropriately in public. But I do it anyway, because I'm the parent and it's my responsibility to work to improve my weaknesses and meet my child's needs.
I think the trouble is that there isn't a clear line. I've heard of parents (usually fathers) that say they won't change diapers. Tough. If your kids needs a diaper change, YOU CHANGE IT! If a newborn is hungry, you feed it, even if you're tired, even if the baby just ate half an hour ago, even if you have somewhere to be, you do it. That's your duty as a parent. The baby's need outweighs your convenience.
On the other hand, if you're tired, and you just cooked an edible dinner, and you have somewhere to be, and your picky teenager complains of hunger, you don't have the same urgent responsibility to drop everything.
But there is a whole lot of grey in between. And each of us has different definitions of needs. Sure, there are food, shelter, clothing, and love. But let's take shelter. Kevin and I felt we "needed" to move from our two bedroom apartment to a bigger place when our first child became mobile. A family in my ward has five children in their two bedroom apartment.
The specific issue- the idea that a personal shortcoming in the parent is sufficient to brush off the whole possibility. I think what factors in here is the viable alternative. The other parents see education as the need. They see their own shortcomings. They see public schools as a good way to meet the need. It's like I do believe that home cooked meals are often the healthiest. And my family needs to eat dinner. But some times when I am tired (personal shortcoming), take-out Chinese from our favorite restaurant also has fresh ingredients, quality meats, and yummy vegetables. It's not for everyday, but it can be a viable alternative for meeting needs despite my shortcomings.
I guess it just comes down to different philosophies on needs and whether or not they are being met.
I'm sorry that this kind of hit a sore spot for me. Lizzie goes to daycare about 30-35 hours a week while I work from home 10-15 hours a week. I don't do well with her at home, and I truly believe she has more fun at the daycare. I see other moms that seem to adore being around their children 24/7, and others who work from home while their children are home, and I sometimes feel like something's wrong with me. But given our current season of life, this arrangement is best to meet everyone's needs.
Thanks for warning me about this and telling me it's not my fault. :) You're totally right, though. I think I allow myself my weaknesses by just thinking that's how I am. I'm not patient, but on some days I've felt the seeds of it. I'm so disorganized, but I love organization. I am not consistant, but there have been times in my life where I was.
I don't want to homeschool, but I also would hate to think that I didn't do what was best for my child because of what I did or did not want to do. So this is leading me to the other things that I need to be teaching. Like how to cook, sew, make a bed, clean a room, clean a bathroom. I keep waiting for them to learn it by osmosis and to learn it right the first time without the learning curve. Hmmm.... you've given me a lot to think about.
Dear Erin,
Please hurry with that homeschooling pros/cons post! I can't wait any longer to read it!
With Love,
another very patient homeschooling mom
I can't wait for your other homeschool posts in the works!
I was originally going to comment on this post then read the other responses and decided I didn't have much to say but I kEep thinking about it so I'm posting :). I've probably said something like that to you (sorry it bugs you). I say it because I think you're amazing, first off. Also because when I look at my life I see that my biggest challenge every single day is being patient with everything, spills, noise, poop, the list could go on to encompass everything we do in a day. I see this failing of mine and I wonder if I would be patient enough to take on my children's education without somehow harming them with my impatience and many other shortcomings. Could I be a good teacher for my kids every single day all day long with no or very few breaks? I don't know :) I say wow, you must be so patient because I believe that (even if youre not perfect) and I think you're brave to take on school along with the challenges of every day, knowing that I am not the only one who struggles with patience so chances are you (or anyone else) do too. I really do think that you are amazing and such a good example to me. Sorry if this didn't make sense, but it makes me feel better to get it out there :)
Post a Comment