Homeschooling Pros/Cons 3: Socialization

When I informed my family that we had decided to homeschool Aubree, my high school aged brother could not hide his concern. "Please, Erin," he pleaded, "just don't let her turn out weird!"

My first reaction was defensive, "of course she won't be weird!"

But as I thought more about it, I wondered if maybe "weird" was such a bad thing.  Would it be weird for her to get along with her parents and siblings as a teenager?  Would it be weird if she avoided profanity, and acted and dressed modestly?  Would it be weird if she continued to enjoy learning?  What about staying true to the faith of her youth?  That would definitely be weird in today's culture.

Oh, I know what my brother was referring to; he was worried about her lacking social skills and not knowing how to conduct herself in social settings.  We're all more than familiar with the stereotypical, painfully awkward homeschooled kid, probably because we've met or seen a few who bring the stereotype to life.

Homeschool play group

But my brother's comment highlights an important problem - when we use the term "socialization," we might be talking about very different constructs.  Here are just a few possible variants on the definition:

1. "Socialized" to act and think like others (adopting the societal norms) 

2. Learn social skills necessary to function well in society. 

3. Learn to deal effectively with difficult circumstances and people.

4. Make socialistic (adopt the theories of socialism)

What do you mean when you say you're concerned about "socialization?"
Here are my thoughts...

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No doubt, whenever the topic of homeschool is broached, the "socialization" issue is paramount.  But there are a few important things we need to clarify right off the bat.

First, today's homeschool is not what it was 15, 10, or even 5 years ago.  The choice to homeschool used to be extremely uncommon and therefore isolating.  As homeschooling has become more popular and mainstream, the social resources available have also swelled.  In most areas, there are plenty of  people with whom to play, do co-ops, hike, etc.  Additionally, many businesses (and even school districts) see an untapped, lucrative market and have started to offer additional services to cater to homeschoolers during the day (swim classes, structured learning, outdoor adventures, science projects, recreational opportunities...).  In fact, most parents I know complain about being so busy "socializing," that they have a hard time getting all their schoolwork done!

Second, let's look a little closer at the "awkward" stereotype.  I get it. I had the same concerns about "weird," socially maladjusted homeschooled kids, because I'd seen them.  But let me push back just a little....

Plenty of public schooled kids are incredibly "weird" and socially awkward, yet no one seems to be blaming the public schools for that!

Oreo cookie phases of the moon

Okay, I will admit that there seems to be a slightly higher percentage of "those" kinds of kids among the homeschooling set, and there are a number of possible reasons for that (including the fact that some parents pull their socially struggling [often Autism spectrum] children out of public schools after enduring long years of bullying and hostile environments). Additionally, parents who choose to homeschool their kids have already proven a willingness to buck social customs and norms, so I guess it shouldn't be too much of a surprise if their children choose to do the same.

My personal, slightly controversial, theory is that generally (certainly not always), kids' social abilities are closely tied to the social abilities of their parents.  And though I've definitely run across real-life examples of these stereotypically strange kids among homeschool circles, the vast majority of homeschooled kids I see are remarkably capable across myriad social situations.  In fact, some of the most trendy, socially sophisticated families I know homeschool!

So, do I worry about my kids' social abilities?  Not really. 

Mostly because I generally consider Mark and myself to be fairly socially adept (please, no need to contradict me here!), so I think we can model that for our children.  We also make it a point to give them plenty of opportunities for social interaction.  In addition to church activities, we are involved in co-ops, play with neighbor kids and church friends, host play dates, take some public school led classes, run preschool groups, join sports and swimming, and attend community events.

To push back even further, consider this question... Who says that spending all day, five days a week with kids exactly the same age constitutes appropriate socialization?
I know that's what I grew up with, so I felt that it was correct and right.  But I've since become aware that segregating children into same age classes and teaching the same curriculum at the same rate, is a relatively new phenomena (related to the industrial age).  (For an eye-opening and fascinating look deeper at this topic, click on the link to see Ken Robinson's TED talk: Changing Education Paradigms.)  

Ideally, homeschooled kids will be better prepared to deal with "real world" situations, because they would have more experiences in the real world - interacting with multiple ages, participating in how life truly works at home and in society.  

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Do I sound overly defensive?  I promise I see the other side and this will ultimately be a balanced post!  It's just that the socialization thing gets harped on so intensely, and much of it is based on faulty premises, so that's where I started.  Moving on...

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Recently, a dear friend was telling me about some challenges her lovely first grade daughter is experiencing with friends at school, including bullying, ostracism, rumors, and making poor choices in order to "fit in."  As I listened, there was a part of me thinking, "Phew! I am SO glad Aubree doesn't have to deal with all of this drama."  

But.  

There was also a part of me wondering, "What is Aubree missing by not experiencing and learning to deal with just this type of  'drama?'"  

If we believe that she will face difficult social situations frequently in her life, is she better off by dealing with them to a lesser degree and on a smaller scale when young? Will she then be better prepared to handle them appropriately later?  Or is she better off avoiding negative exposure at such a young age?

To look at it another way - does dealing with difficult social situations at a young age have a vaccination-like effect, providing emotional "antibodies" to help deal with harder challenges later on?  Or is enduring them more like contracting a debilitating childhood disease,  resulting in long-term emotional and social scars and disabilities?

"Braiding Train"

These questions are the crux of the battles in my mind.  Where do we draw the line between protecting and loving our children well, and over-protecting and possibly stunting them?

I've sat in a number of meetings recently (mostly church) where the topic focused on the youth.  I hear the speakers assert, "There is a war raging between the forces of good and the forces of evil, and the prize is the hearts and minds of our children."  I agree, and around me I see other parents and leaders nodding their heads in assent. The speakers continue, "Every day we are sending our children behind enemy lines."  I look around, everyone is still nodding.  I'm not.  The conversation quickly moves on to ways to help prepare our kids to deal with these realities.  

I'm still stuck ruminating on the idea that we're sending our kids "behind enemy lines." I think about the little I know about war and wonder if this is this how parents and teachers really feel?  If so, isn't it worth asking the questions, "Should we be sending our kids into enemy territory every day?  Is it good for them?  Is it the best choice?"  The answer might be a resounding, "Yes!" but I think it's at least worth asking the question.

Children who homeschool do generally stay innocent longer.  One day, when we still lived in Florida, we met a homeschooling family at Disney World.  As we chatted, she told me, "When I brought my kids home from public school, I regained three years of innocence.  My kids stopped giving me 'Attitude',  went back to playing with toys they'd given up years before as 'childish', and returned to being sweet, kind, and cuddly."  I would dismiss her experience as anecdotal, except that I've heard it repeated over and over again.

The question comes back to, is that a good thing?  How do we best prepare our kids to be functioning, capable adults?  What are our primary goals?  The answers might be vastly different for each child, family, and circumstance.

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A couple months ago, new neighbors moved into the house just behind us.  We were thrilled to discover that they also homeschool their two daughters.  As we chatted, the mom admitted she was surprised to learn that we were LDS.  "You see," she explained, "I had an LDS neighbor in Oregon with 10 children who told me that it was against your Church's doctrine to homeschool.  She said you believe you have a responsibility to 'be a light' to others, and that means going to public school."

Despite being annoyed at that members obvious misinterpretation of doctrine, I will admit she does bring up a valid point.  We are instructed to, "be in the world, but not of the world," to look for opportunities to share the gospel, and to seek to be an influence for good to others.  Public schools can provide an excellent opportunity to do all of those things on a regular basis.  

Along with that, what, if any, is our responsibility to the community in which we live?  Do we have an ethical obligation to support our local schools?  What would happen if all the families that had the inclination/ability to homeschool decided to pull out of public schools?  Would that have a dramatically negative effect on the public schools?  Is it selfish to only think of the needs of my children?  

Or, is it arrogant to think that we are even missed or that we are a positive force?  Does the size of the community make a difference in our level of responsibility?  For example, I have friends who live in tiny towns where the school is the central focus/common denominator/unifying entity.  Whereas where I live, there are so many kids, and so many schools, that perhaps the local school not as huge of a community driver.

So many questions.  Not so many answers.  I'd love to hear your thoughts.

Floating homemade boats

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Stay tuned for the final installment: "Odds, Ends, & Updates," coming soon.