Eulogy for Larry Graff (my dad)

Last Saturday evening my dad semi-unexpectedly passed away.  I say semi, because he's been sick for a long while and has been nigh-unto-death countless times in the last few years, but he had just come home from the Rehab center and really seemed to be on the mend.  

Here's the story of what happened, as retold by my mom to my brother, Ian, who is serving a mission in Africa:

"Dad was having a good day. He was bright and happy to have Sean here (*note from Erin - my brother Sean was in California from Illinois for a wedding of his good friend.  It was a HUGE miracle that he was there when all this transpired). 

I worked around the house getting ready for Lauren, Dylan and Dan’s return home (*they'd been working at a Scout Camp outside Fresno all summer). Dad was also working on a couple projects on the computer.

Dallas asked me if I could cook that night at his restaurant. I told him yes if Dad & Sean could come to dinner. The dinner party grew to include Lynette (Larry's sister), and our returning family from Scout Camp. The ‘scout crew’ had to stay and finish securing the camp for the off-season and were running late; said they’d meet us at the café. I was there early to prepare the food. I wanted to show off for them and was cooking up a storm.

Sean & Lynette got there first with Dad. Lynette ran in to ask me to come out and check out dad. He was not looking good and Sean wanted to know what to do. As they were driving, Dad started to get dizzy, he grew white, cold and clammy. He did not look good. We decided that instead of calling 911, it would be faster for Sean to take him to the hospital. I asked them to call me. I was in charge at the café that night and couldn’t go with them. Sean did call and his short cryptic message was 'Mom you need to come.'

That was a long, agonizing drive. I did not know what I would find when I arrived. Sean called me again as I was getting off the freeway and said they were working on his heart. That was a relief to know he was still alive.

Lynette met me at the door and ushered me down to the room where they were working on Dad. There was a full room of doctors, nurses and specialists; it was crowded. When he came in his heart was tacking at 160 beats per minute. Dad was conscience and able to answer the Dr.’s questions. They sedated him and used the paddles to shock it back into a regular rhythm. Instead his heart stopped. They used CPR to get it going again. His heart would beat, slow down and stop. This pattern was repeated at least 5-7 more times. They did everything they knew to save him. After two hours they all agreed nothing more could be done and the Dr. called time of death. 8:25PM, Saturday, August 11, 2012.

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It was shocking to receive the phone call from Sean telling me what was occurring and to then have to pass the information on to the rest of my siblings and relatives.  We all had the same reaction, "What?!" I felt like I was in a dream and would wake up any moment and tell Mark what a terrible, realistic nightmare I'd just had.  But it wasn't a dream.  

All my siblings and their families immediately made plans to return "home" to be with Mom and to participate in the necessary post-death tasks.  Though I ached to be with them, I'm too close to my due date to safely travel (or even be allowed on most planes).  So, I'm stuck in Washington, helping in what small ways I can.

Sunday morning I had to tell my kids about the passing of their Papa.  I wasn't sure how they would respond, as they've not yet experienced the death of someone close to them.  Thane, of course, is completely oblivious.  Aubree looked contemplative as I explained what had happened, but quickly saw the bright side of the situation and seemed relatively untroubled.  Bryce was the most serious.  As I spoke he cuddled closer and closer to me and I put my arms around him.  I wonder if he was more concerned about seeing me look sad.  Truth be told, all three were soon back to their regular routine.  They haven't had too much or too frequent interactions with Papa Graff, so his passing doesn't change their immediate world in any noticable way.

Over the following days, however, Bryce has made a few comments that let me know he understands more than I thought and is processing it in his own way.  Once he asked, "why did Grandpa die and not me?" 
Another time he came up and told me, "the doctors tried really, really hard to save Grandpa, but they couldn't."  Every time Bryce brings up Grandpa, Aubree stops what she is doing and pays careful attention, so I know she's processing everything too.

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The main way I've been able to be of assistance to my family is by writing the obituary and the eulogy for my Dad's funeral.  Neither were easy tasks, but writing the eulogy was especially daunting.  I think it was helpful for me, though, since I couldn't be at the funeral.

Here's what I wrote:

Eulogy for Larry Graff

I remember a conversation I had with my Dad a long time ago: 
“At my funeral,” he explained, “I hope none of the speakers say, ‘Larry was a nice guy.”
Surprised, I asked, “why? What’s wrong with being nice?”

“Well, there’s nothing wrong with being nice,” he explained, “but it’s just such a generic, boring description.  Saying ‘he’s a nice guy,’ is just like saying, ‘there is nothing else interesting or worth mentioning about him. He’s forgettable.”
Dad needn’t have worried about anyone running out of things to say about him, and we promise not to refer to him today as a “nice guy.”

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Those of you who know Larry well know he was a Big Man.  He was complex and intelligent and unique, and the stories of his life reflect this reality.

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Larry Lee Graff was born in May, 1952 in Seattle, Washington.  Shortly after his birth his parents, Kenneth and Mary Graff, moved to Woodland Hills, California, where Larry lived for the next 26 years. 

Larry grew up as the oldest of four children, and though he loved his siblings and parents, he also delighted in tormenting them.  Some of the most often related stories of his youth involve tales of being knocked through a wall by his younger brother, Rick, after fighting over an Oscar-Meyer Weiner whistle, and making his mother so angry that she broke a plate over his head (he was uninjured and laughed at her outburst, which only infuriated her more). 

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Larry went to High School during the late 60’s and considered himself an anachronism.  He was staunchly conservative and anti-hippy.  He refused to wear jeans because that’s what the hippies wore. 

At age 13, Larry was introduced to photography and discovered he had both a passion and a talent for the art.  By age 16 he had bought and paid for his own professional equipment and began working at a photography store doing pictures for the real estate section of the LA Times.  He made about $200 a week, which was enough to by a motorcycle, a sports car, and a complete dark room.  (That was also the beginning of his lifetime love affair with nice cars, motorcycles, and other fancy toys).

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In September 1971, Larry left on a two-year mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints to Belfast, Ireland.  He spent the entire two years within a 30-mile radius of Belfast at the height of the “Troubles,” or the civil conflict that raged between the Protestants and the Catholics.  While there, he was shot at, bombed, arrested, contracted Hepatitis A from eating bad shellfish, and suffered many other indignities.  And he loved it.  He loved the people and the accent and the excitement and teaching the Gospel. 

He spent the rest of his life telling stories about his time in Ireland to anyone who would sit still long enough to listen.  And anyone who knows Larry, knows that the only thing he likes better than a good story is a FANTASTIC story.  So, his children were a little surprised, when many years later they met a former missionary companion of Larry’s who confirmed all of his wild missionary stories.

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After returning from his mission, Larry briefly returned to professional photography, before switching to work as a special effects camera-man for the movie business.  Some of the highlights of that time involved working on the “jump to light speed” sequence of Star Wars and helping film the large-scale animated sequences for Lord of the Rings.  He worked in this business for a year then started selling exotic cars. 

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In 1978, some of Larry’s friends were going to be extras in a movie filming the time warp dance from the Rocky Horror Picture show, and talked him into attending with them.  It turned out to be a good choice, because that night he met Marti Bunker.  Two weeks after their first date, Larry took her to an Art Garfunkel concert and on the way home, he stopped at the LA Temple.  It was a Monday night, but the guard waved them though.  There was no one else around.  They went up to the front steps and Larry said, “I want to take you inside.”  It took her a moment to catch on to what he was saying…he was proposing!

They were married in January 1979 in the Los Angeles Temple and ten months later welcomed their first child.  Seven additional children eventually blessed their union.

Soon after getting married they decided to move from their home in Southern California to the Central Coast, where Larry spent the rest of his life.  He always had big dreams and was involved in a dizzying array of careers and occupations.  Following his move to Templeton he ultimately opened an insurance agency, ran an independent newspaper, owned a satellite business, worked at Diablo Canyon Nuclear Power Plant, earned his auctioneers certificate, was a licensed gun dealer, served as President of the Charles Paddock Zoological Society, and worked extensively in marketing, sales, and internet web design.

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When Larry was 43, he unexpectedly received a letter from the Washington State Social Security Department indicating that his “biological brothers and sisters had important medical information to share with him.”  He soon discovered that he had been adopted at birth and was shocked to learn that in his biological family he was the youngest of six children and the only one to have been adopted out.  His biological siblings had been searching for him for 30 years.  He considered these relatives his “bonus family,” and was amazed at the similarities not only in appearance, but also in action, attitudes, and interests.

Some of the things Larry loved most included reading, learning, teaching, and advising.  He was passionate about this country and the Constitution as a divine instrument. He showed tremendous dedication to the effort to preserve the second Amendment and other unalienable rights.   He liked to tell jokes and give gifts, and could never, ever keep a happy secret.

But above all, Larry deeply loved his family.  He was imperfect and made a lot of mistakes, but his deepest desires were for the welfare of his wife and children. He took great delight in seeing his children grow and become successful, independent adults.  He taught his children how to argue and negotiate and encouraged them to make wise choices. 

As grandchildren came along, Larry determined that “heaven on earth” involved having one of his grandkids settled happily on his lap.  He had great goals and plans to become the “Best Papa Ever.”

The last six years have been extremely difficult and life changing for Larry and his family.  He stared death in the face countless times.  At the beginning of this time, when his health first began to plummet, he reacted with apathy.  He was a broken man: tired, sick, battling personal demons, and completely lacking in hope.  Though he denied it, his family knew he was giving up. 

And that’s when Heavenly Father stepped in with a miracle.

Larry later explained that, though he was ready to give up and die, the Lord spared his life and in addition, “opened his eyes and gave him a vision of his life up to that point.” He said he clearly saw how his actions had hurt those around him and he felt harrowed up by his sins.

That was the beginning of a changed Larry.  It wasn’t an easy process and it involved a lot of pain and a lot of setbacks and tremendous adversity.  Sometimes the idea of changing was a lot more appealing than the work of changing.

Through the following years and the ongoing trials, Larry continued to work on this process of becoming the man Heavenly Father wanted him to be; the man he finally believed he had the potential to become.  He became humble, teachable, repentant and willing to face hard realities.  He asked for forgiveness and admitted he’d made mistakes and caused pain to those he loved most.  And for the first time, he was willing to endure pain and to FIGHT for his children and grandchildren. 

Through this process, he gained a firm testimony of the Atonement and healing power of Jesus Christ.  He rejoiced in his opportunities to share the Gospel and his testimony with others around him.  He frequently testified to others that they too could have that “mighty change of heart” and experience the true joy and peace that comes only from turning one’s life over to the Savior of the World.

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Though it breaks our hearts that our Dad won’t be able to finish this journey he’d begun and enjoy some of the fruits of his hard work - or take his grandchildren fishing, or grow old with his sweetheart, or welcome Ian home from his mission, or see Ian and Daniel get married - we know that he was prepared to meet the Lord, we trust in the Lord’s timing and we’re glad he’s not suffering any longer.  After learning of Larry’s death, Ian – who is currently serving a mission in Africa – summed it up best: "Dad completed all that he set out to do from his repentance, so God said, "You are worthy" and took him home."